Fabian Schonholz’s Blog

A few years ago I started to get more serious about smoking cigars. I always liked cigars but was not too into them. Every so often I would be given one or would buy one. Boo was my once-a-year supplier. Every year at my mother-in-law’s Christmas party he would bring one for me. When my wife and I first started to date and got married, most times we went out we closed the night with a stop at a cigar shop and a walk while we puffed away on our stogies - those were the days!!! But I did not know what I was smoking, if it was good, if it was well preserved and all of the other apparently important elements that define “serious” cigar smoking.

About 5 years ago I was in Argentina for work and I decide to visit my sister at her farms for the weekend. We had dinner with Don Placido, her father-in-law - he passed on couple of years ago. He smoked cigars for 60 years. He smoked all sort of cigars, from most corners of the world that produced them. So … I go to Don Placido all proud of myself and tell him that I am getting into cigar smoking and I am a “great smoker”. He takes a look at me in a very condescending way and tells me I know absolutely nothing about cigar smoking; I was humbled. Instead of getting all personal about it I asked if he would point me to some good cigars. He suggests I visit a cigar shop in Buenos Aires , Hermes, where he gets his smokes. The sticks are cuban tobacco and leaf but hand wrapped in Argentina. When you go to the shop you can see the ladies wrapping them before your eyes. I go to the shop, of course, and tell them that Don Placido recommended the place and I want a few sticks “like Romeo and Julieta”. They immediately set me up.

Needless to say this cigars are great. According to Don Placido these are the best cigars he had ever smoked bar none. But … what did the old man know, he only smoked for 60 years. I brought a few back for friends and for me to have. I gave one of them to a friend of mine, that although not an expert, he knows a lot more than I about cigars. He thought these were AWESOME cigars. Maybe the old man knew something!! Finally, over a company dinner one night, I gave one of the other executives one of the cuban/argentinian sticks. Now … this guy smokes on a regular basis. He has a room in his house he converted to a smoking room/humidor. When I offered him the unassuming cigar he was a little skeptical. He looked upon my extended arm holding the cigar and was not so sure about it. If I remember correctly, I think he sort of growled at the cigar. He took a step back but finally took the cigar.

As he started to puff on the cigar his face changed, and it went from disgust to surprise in a matter of seconds. He could not stop puffing. He puffed and looked at the cigar in disbelief. After a few puffs he turned and looked at me. He paused … he was going to say something … his mouth moved but no sound came out … and he went back to puffing. A good 45 minutes later, when we finished the cigar he finally turned to me again and expressed how pleased he was with the cigar. Do you have more? He asked. I had couple more sticks on my pocket which I gave to him. And the next day, I brought from my cache a few more sticks for him to age. I remember with great pleasure the night and his expressions.

I continued to smoke the same cuban/argentinian cigars almost exclusively. I took over the supply of Christmas’ party smokes from Boo. And I made sure I had a supply of them at hand at every function I attended where smoking may occur. That is dedication my friends. There were only a few times were I smoked other sticks.

Last year I started expanding my horizons and started smoking other brands and trying other types beyond cuban seed and leaf. I discovered a new world of cigars from other parts of Central America beyond Cuba and I started to educate myself on what that meant. Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica and Guatemala started to have new found meaning to me. Padron, Ashton, A. Fuentes, Rocky Patel and Gurka became new words in my vocabulary. As I normally do when I want to become well versed in something and decide that anonymous uneducated enjoyment will not do, I read and research as much as I can. Unfortunately I do not have all the time I want on a daily basis, but I have all the time I need over the course of my life. And part of enjoying these type of things for me is taking the time to learn and savor.

I drunk wine from an early age. I always enjoyed it. About 10 years ago I also started to get serious about it. I read and tried and researched and tasted as much as I could. And only after so many years I finally started to developed a palate worth mentioning. I am still not an expert. For example, my sister’s husband knows a great deal more than I. And a buddy of mine who owns a wine/cigar shop is 100 times more an expert than I will ever be. But I am proud of my developing wine connoisseur abilities and the road that took me here. I am taking the same road with cigar smoking. It will take me years before I can say I know even the slightest bit about cigars. And I will enjoy every single one of those years as I smoke one stick at a time one puff at a time.

Recently I have gone bonkers with photography. What I mean by recently is the last couple of weeks. I have been bonkers about photography for a very long time. The last two week however, have been extra bonkers. I have a Nikon D80 that I bought about a year ago. This year I gave myself an early birthday present, a Nikon D300 - that happened couple of weeks ago - thus, most likely the reason for my going extra bananas is the new camera. What I have found by using the new camera is that I am forced to “work” it more, allowing me more freedom for artistic expression through photography.

When I was 11 years old my parents gave me my first camera, a Minolta 201 ST. It came with a 45 mm fixed focal length lens, a wide angle/fish eye screw on lens and a flash. I did not know much about cameras back then, neither did my parents. It was not the best camera for the money, or even the best set up for a beginner, but one way or another I made it work. I experimented and asked a lot of questions of the family photographer, Leo.  He suggested I took a class and in my normal “I will figure it out fashion” that remains one of my traits to this day, I never did. I do not regret it. I took some very interesting and good pictures.

Over the years I have been more or less into photography. It was a little inconvenient and the feedback was relatively disconnected. Since my photographic pursuits were 100% experimental, I was not technically aware of what I was doing. So when I got the pictured developed and back for review, it was hard to me for figure out the technical part of what I was looking at. I consulted a few books and Leo, but there was still no connection between what I was looking at and what had happen at the time of taking the picture. I was lacking that connection and it frustrated me. The higher the frustration, the less I was into photography until I would get a picture back of a subject I had snapped and the results where exactly what I had intended. Yes … there was a little “luck” involved in getting good pictures, however, I had developed some personal techniques to make shooting more predictable and less random. To this day my photography remains experimental.

I kept on shooting. Through my university years my photography declined. Along with photography I also liked to fish. Fishing also declined through the same years. I was too busy. At the beginning not exactly with studying, but in the end, I focused and mathematics took a primary role in my life. At the same time I rediscovered photography. There it was my old Minolta sitting there collecting dust. It had traveled to many places. From Miami where my parents bought it. To Argentina where I spent my formative years. To Santa Barbara where I went to school. And in between stopping in Punta Del Este, the East Sierras, Cordoba, Santa Fe, Mexico and many other places. It is 2008 and I still have it.

When I rediscovered photography in college, part of what I wanted to do was to take photos of naked women. OK … hold on for a minute. Yes, there was certain amount of being a young man with an exceedingly large amount of energy and libido, but you also have to admit that a woman’s body has an aesthetic quality that is hard to ignore. While men have square bodies, women have curves all over. I find the curves fascinating and with countless artistic possibilities. Women have been the muses for centuries for all forms of arts and wars. It was hard to find models. The best I ever did was photographing a friend of mine in a REALLY small bikini. She was a little shy and at the time of taking the bikini off, she felt a little self conscious. The photographs did not turn very well either which did not help with convincing her for a second photo-shoot. It was not the quality of the technique but the composition. I could not figure out how to frame people in a photograph, with our without cloths. I decided to experiment and give it time, but economics got in the way. As a starving student it was hard to afford the needed film, development and printing. I figure out ways to save on film by buying in bulk, but that was not enough. Shooting slowed down … considerably.

I kept on shooting but studying, getting married, getting divorced, moving to Los Angeles, getting a job and developing my career and the fact that cash was not so readily available kept on slowing things down. In 1996 I got married again and Elizabeth was very encouraging. The pace started to pick up again. In October 2000 I joined a company called Pictage; an online photo-lab for professional photographers. I was their VP of Technology for about 6 years. It was purely coincidental. As a matter of fact, I am not sure that I made it known during my interview that one of my hobbies was photography and during my tenure, not too many people knew. I architected, designed and managed the build of the technology that, to this day, runs Pictage.

In 2000 Digital photography was getting very popular. Sites like O’fotos and SnapFish made it possible for consumers to manage and print their digital photographs. But for professionals it was not that simple. Digital pro-cameras had become more accessible in price and a few early adopters had taken the plunge. Professional cameras with digital back ends were becoming more common in the market. But the workflow remained the same. Photographers had to cart their negatives - in this case the digital files - to their lab of choice to be printed. The labs themselves were not exactly ready to accommodate digital shooters. It was obvious that a lack of a digital workflow impeded massive adoption of digital photography at the professional level.

In January 2001 Pictage changed its business model to be more of a lab and provide not only hosting and photo-galleries, but also scanning and printing. Thus, the professional digital workflow was born. In 2001 Pictage was getting 95% film that needed to be scanned; the balance was digital. By 2006 when I left, film constituted less than 5%. The balance was digital. The interesting part of these numbers is that the proportion had been such since 2004. In a short 3 years Pictage enabled digital photography for professionals. Larger labs, like Miller’s for example, also figure out how to serve their customers. Nonetheless, Pictage, very quietly, changed professional photography.

When I first joint Pictage I had somewhat of a disdain for digital photography. I had spend many years figuring out the nuances of film and how to best expose it. I felt that digital could never provide the range and versatility film could. After a weekend in Mexico were I took a few pictures I had the film scanned and printed at work. I was blown away. I could see some of the difficulties that digital cameras were going to experience dealing with the range, but comparing a digital print to an optical print, I liked the digital version so much better. The color and matisse were deeper and even though they lacked in range, the image was more accurate with what I had intended. My conviction for film began to waiver.

At the same time this was going on I had been thinking about buying and experimenting with medium format. I had been eyeing the Mamiya 7. Sweet camera. One of the FujiFilm reps - our scanners and printers were Fuji - loaned me a FujiFilm 645 and gave me more film and development credits than I could ever use. I took the camera for a few weeks and shot to my harts content. First time ever where economics were not a factor. Well … what can I say about that??? As I would get the film developed I would have it scanned and printed. The results were just amazing.

My father-in-law had a Nikon CoolPix 990 and wanted to get the 995. He asked me if I wanted his old camera to which I readily accepted. Not only had I been in film bliss, now I could get into digital photography at no cost. One of the things I figure out immediately is “the more you shoot the more you recover your investment in a digital camera” - consider the cost of buying and developing film and the fact that you can readily choose what to keep and better select what to print. After the CoolPix 990 I upgraded to a CoolPix 5800, which I still have. My photography developed along and kept on getting better. But still, shooting good people pictures escaped me.

I became spoiled. I could shoot and print as much as I wanted. That flexibility allowed me to be very selective in what I printed. I went months without printing anything. I became more self-demanding. Shots needed to show exactly what I wanted. After I left Pictage my shooting went back into remission so-to-speak. I could see the pictures on my computer, but not being able to print them was a little demoralizing. Elizabeth encourage me to shoot again and to possibly buy a digital SRL. Or rather Elizabeth encourage me to shoot and I decided that if I was going to shoot, I was getting a new camera … and a printer. After some research I decided to get a Nikon D80 and an HP Photosmart Pro. I had been recommended the Canon Digital Rebel, which is a fine camera, but I had had such good results with Nikon in the past and the reviews were better than the Canon. My photography took a leap up and got dramatically better almost immediately. Better equipment does not make a better photographer, but it does open up possibilities. After experimenting I settled into using the vari-modes more than the manual modes. After a while I felt stagnated and my shooting decreased.

During the summer I had a chance to play with a Nikon D200. What I realized was that I needed to move off vari-mode and start using the manual and priority modes more. But on the D80 it was too easy to fall back into the vari-mode. In October 2007 I decided to buy a D200 and that is when I realized that the D300 was coming out in December and it was such a better camera. So … I waited for December and as mentioned, I got myself an early birthday present.

For somebody like me the cost-benefit equation of digital photography remains the same. The more I shoot the less expensive it becomes and the more I recover my investment. I am still in the mind-set of film photography. In reality, the cost-benefit equation does not exist anymore. The camera costs what it costs, and instead of film and development, now the cost goes into computers, software and hard drives. It is still less expensive overall with the added benefit of immediate feed-back (or gratification rather). But for my kids, there is no equation. My kids every so often go on photo-shoots with me. They use either one of the point-and-shoot cameras I have (or my wife’s) or the 5800. They do not know anything besides digital photography.

This summer the kids went to sleep-away camp for a month. We furnished them with point-and-shoot throw away film cameras. We showed them how to used and how to crank the roll. I explained to them that there was film inside and they needed to “advance” the film frame. I also explained how film works and the difference and similarities between emulsions and CMOS sensors. They got it, but it was funny to see how archaic they felt the mechanism was. They had the same expression when I told them when I was their age TV was black and white and not color. They did not understand that when my parents were their age, there was no TV. The same goes for other technological advances they take for granted; we on the other hand, have gotten so used to them that we have learnt to take them for granted.

A recent TechCrunch (www.techcrunch.com) blog post discussed not only website down times during 2007 but also infrastructure down time as well. My comment to the post reminded us all about our dependencies in technology and that not only revenue is affected during web site outages, but as consumers, we are also affected since many of us use the Web and the Internet to conduct our daily business. As my kids grow older and join the professional world, they will not be more dependent on the Web and Internet, they will be 100% dependent on them. Technology progress will not slow down, it will keep advancing. Sometimes at a gargantuan pace, other slower. Hardware, services and operating platforms are becoming more integrated. An example is digital cameras, as pictures are taken the camera can FTP them to a server and/or service (Flickr.com).

More and more technology and art blur together. In some cases technology renders a service to art, in others, technology is a part of art. There will be always be some die-hard purists that refuse or minimize the involvement of technology in art; thank goodness for them. Somebody needs to keep the old ways alive for us not to forget where all comes from. However, even they need to understand that technology and art have always been and will always be intertwined.

As 2007 comes to a close and 2008 peeks around the corner I want to reflect on the year, events and people close to me:

The first blog post (not page) I wrote in this incantation of my blog was about my kids and my dad. To paraphrase the post, I was asked what got me up and going every day and my answer was my dad and kids; the post went into detail why that is. To this day, my dad and my kids are my heros. Since my dad has been dead since 1997, there is not much that changed since last time I wrote about him; my kids on the other hand are just in the dawn of their lives. They keep on surprising me. They keep on challenging me. They keep on helping me discover who I am every day. They are a source of inspiration - and concern. I can not say enough about my kids. They are, very much, the light in my eyes, the life in my every breath, the sun of my days and the moon of my nights.

My wife … ahhhhhh … my wife. She is the editor of my blog so she gets to read every single post before it gets posted here. No matter how boring the post is, she just sits down, puts pencil to paper and corrects my grammar and suggests changes; in particular when my words are not too clear. This post is no exception. By the time you are reading these words, she has not only already read them and corrected them, but also forgotten them as well.

After she reviewed my first post her comment was: This is great, but what about me. So I wrote a post just for her. It was not as a response to a demand. I truly wrote the post inspired. But it is true, some times I do take her for granted and I fail to not so much recognize her, but to show my appreciation. It is not enough that she knows, and she does know how much I appreciate her. I also must show her. So … Elizabeth, my love … I would be nothing if it was not for your support. And here, in a very public forum I declare my love for you. I LOVE YOU.

As I have gone though the years, one at a time, getting older, many people have come and gone. Some have gone because their lives took them in certain directions and we lost touch. Some have gone because their lives became incompatible with mine. Some have gone because there was nothing left in the friendship. Some, still, have gone because life has turns and twists. Of all my childhood friends Guido Tenenbaum remains. He does not just remain, he is there. A permanent fixture … and I am glad. I have known Guido for 30 years now and in that time, we have shared many adventures. Not too long ago I wrote about my lack of faith; but then I realized that I have faith in Guido. Not blindly and in a religious way, but faith in him. As a person. As a mench.

After 20 months as the CTO of Hoodiny Entertainment Group I moved on to a new job as the CTO for Zumbox. Zumbox as an idea is amazing. What is the most amazing about Zumbox is that it is a simple idea with incredible ramifications. I wish I could discuss it more openly, but I can not, at least not for the time being. Let’s just say that it will revolutionize certain areas of our lives. Hoodiny was a good experience in spite of some of the difference of opinions regarding business strategy and where the company should go I had with the other executives. The folks there are good people. It was nice for a change to work with people that genuinely were looking out for you regardless of the various and deep difference of opinions. It was a big change from Pictage - although I have to admit that some of the folks at Pictage were fantastic, with whom I remain in touch. So .. Demian, Jose, Ariel and the gang at Hoodiny: I know I left at not the best time but it is my best wishes that all goes well.

There are two people I want to recognize as part of this post. On of them is Sue Christensen. She worked for me at Pictage and Hoodiny. She is the best project manager I have ever had the chance to work with. She can keep up with my schizophrenic pace - not an easy feat. She is able to coordinate all projects to stay within my execution parameters, which are normally 3 or 4 times higher output than most other CTO’s. But, as fantastic an employee she is, she is also a great friend. I miss working with her. The second is Mike Polek. He is an incredible system administrator and as a person, a wise man and a great friend. Mike … do not be a stranger, we love you!!

This year I got close to a person local to me. A neighbor so-to-speak. There was a situation that developed and I am afraid it might have driven us a bit apart. It saddens me because he is a great guy, helped me quite a bit and I have a great deal of respect for him. I hope that we can continue our friendship.

One interesting thing that happen was developing this blog. As I posted before this is the second incantation of my posting writing online. The first time around it was a sort of a fiasco and led to some pain. This time around I am not only more careful - from a content point of view - but also more open. I am expanding the topics I post on and I am forcing myself to look at subjects from different perspectives. The rewarding part of writing is the fact that some people read it on a regular basis and email and call me to ask me when the next post will be up. It does drive the pressure up on improving the quality of my writing and subjects I tackle. It is a great experience, however; it is teaching me to be more thorough in the way I present arguments.

Early 2006, as I was looking to leave Pictage, I realized more than ever that you can not do it all on your own. You need people to help you as much as you need to help people. I recognized that my network of people was rather small and limited in the way I contributed to it. As I am maturing and developing my career the old phrase “it is not who you are but who you know” resonates louder with me. I set out to not only increasing my network but improve how I relate to it. I must report that it is a slow process but it is moving ahead and one that I look forward to developing further. Be that as it may, there are a couple of business associates that I rather enjoys, especially when there is some wine that oils our thoughts. Guys, we need to get together more often. Andy has room and plenty of choices for us.

I want to close the post with a few words about my mom. I do not mention her too often and certainly, I do not write about her. My mom was dealt a tough hand with my dad getting sick and dying. At the time that we had all grown up and were out of the house and on our way to building our own futures, they were supposed to start their enjoying each other without “interruptions” time. It did not happen for my mom. I am very sorry that they both did not get to realize some of their dreams. My mom is a special lady. And even though I do not call her as often as I should I love her very much and want her to know that I think about her a lot, every day.

As the year comes to a close my only resolutions are related to continuing to be the best person I can, for my family, as an example to my kids and my friends, for my community and for all the people that I interact in business and outside of business.

Have a fantastic end of 2007 and may 2008 bring all that you want.

Happy New Year.

Wednesday I was delighted to attend an event at my kids school, Edison Elementary. Jared was being given a certificate for making Honor Roll. Friday, unfortunately I could not attend, Sidney was given the “Character Award for Trustworthiness”. And before, she was also given the “Student of The Month Award”. My kids are just amazing.

Last year Jared was all year long in the Honor Roll. It was a goal he set for himself and I am proud he achieved it. He did need some help from Elizabeth, and a little arguing on my part with the school, but he did it. This year, so far, the help has substantially decreased - at the end of the day kids do not like to do homework, what can I say - and I have not had to argue with the school on how Jared should be graded. He set the goal and he achieved it again. I am double proud.

Sidney is not such a different story, however, she takes different paths. Last year she had a little trouble focusing and completing her work. But her reading went from good to EXCELLENT. She devours book after book after book. This year, not only she is getting student awards, but her teacher can’t sing enough praises to her and recommended her for the gifted program. And her devouring of books continues.

Both kids brought all A’s except for one B on the first quarter of the school year.

As proud as their academic achievements make me feel, and as focused as I am on those achievements (without exerting too much pressure on the kids), that is only a small portion of the story. And each kids has a different story, that intertwines with each other. And … to be fair, both kids have their share of issues to deal with. But, who does not have issues. Granted, some more … some less.

Elizabeth and I are often criticized for how lenient we are with TV watching and video game playing times. We often explain that it is not an issue for our kids. For example, the kids really like watching TV, but after a little while they get bored with it, turn the TV off and start playing with each other, acting out what they just watched. An alternative to roll playing is retiring to their rooms to read, or in the case of Sidney, do an art project - she is really good.

Until recently, Sidney was not into video games. However, during the year she started to display a level of interest, so for Hanukkah we decided to get her a Nintendo DS just like Jared - we chose a pink one for her. She instantly loved it. Since then, video game playing has increased a little. Even though they spend a little more time on video games than TV, the pattern is the same. As some point they get tired and roll play or go read or go do art.

The only time the pattern changes is the first week of summer. The kids use that week to completely and totally decompress from the school year. The first couple of days is TV all day. They are glued to the screen; from waking up to going to sleep. They hardly move. They do not want to get up or go anywhere. They only leave the TV to go to the bathroom. You really have to see them, they are totally spent from the  school year and it shows in their faces.  To some extent it is even funny. Two kid zombies NOT walking around the house. You can hardly carry on a conversation with them. By day three it changes. They become more active, are more willing to leave the house and are a little more chatty, lively and start to get in some form of trouble by arguing with each other. Day four is almost back to normal and day five cabin fever hits and they are ready to tear the world apart again. Second week of summer is when we start sending them to camps.

We take our family summer holiday on the third or fourth week of the summer. This year we had to find a new place to go in Bahia De Los Angeles because Camp Gecko had changed how it operated. We went to Villa Bahia, a nice hotel-like place. I consider it hotel-like because the place is unrestricted unlike hotels, but you can get some of the common hotel services. In any case, we loved it. Compared to Camp Gecko, the place is luxury and Elizabeth was delighted. I missed roughing it and drinking with Doc, but Roger and Gene were incredible hosts and I got to drink with Joe and his family and also Roger.

Roger is a retired university professor. One night we invited Roger over for dinner and we talked about our backgrounds. When Jared realized Roger was a professor, albeit retired, he said: “teach me something”. Roger was taken a little aback. He thought for a few seconds and started to discuss the universe, celestial mechanics, the planets and physics. I know how intelligent Jared is and how easily he incorporates ideas, specially abstract ideas, but I was a little upset with Roger. I took it as though he was trying to show my kid up. Yes, I sold Jared a little short. To my surprise, Jared answered back with some astonishing comments and questions. I did not fit in my own body!!

Roger was not trying to show Jared up; he was trying to measure Jared up and adjust what and how he could “teach” Jared “something”. He decided to start high and then lower as needed. He was just as surprised as I was, but never skipped a beat. Sidney never really said a word; she just sat there taking it all in with a smile.

For Thanksgiving we went back to Villa Bahia for the week. As I normally do there I went fishing, caught fish and cleaned the catch back at camp. There was a lady with her kids that asked if I could clean the fish in such a way that their internal organs would be as intact as possible in order to dissect them and show her kids. Doctor Joe was asked to perform the dissections and “educate” the kids. He was only too happy to do it. Sidney was first row and center. We had been discussing what to do for her birthday. She had initially wanted a party with her friends, but after the dissection, she decided that she wanted Dr. Grandpa to dissect a cow’s brain or heart. Forget about a party. Unfortunately, due to health codes, brains or hearts are not sold to the public with all the veins, arteries and parts. Sidney was VERY disappointed. We ended up going to Disneyland and had a great time; but she would have rather had her Dr. Grandpa deliver an anatomy lesson to her for her birthday.

My kids are indeed just amazing!!

I have been “accused” that I am trying to get to faith through an intellectual exercise and that I will never get there. I neither agree, nor disagree. Regardless of the outcome, the road is worthwhile.

According to the dictionary, faith is defined as:

• Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
• Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

For a very long time I have thought of myself as having no faith. I do not blindly believe in anything. I do not completely trust or have confidence in anybody unless we have a long history of mutual trust and confidence. And my belief in God … let’s just say that I have a hard time not believing in God and just as hard a time believing.

There are two people I have, by definition, faith in; one of them is my wife, the other Guido Tenenbaum. My wife has shown a level of support that is unparalleled. She is a fantastic lady and she has always been there for me and no matter what; she has my back. I have known Guido for 30 years. He has had my back, and I his for a long, long time. In spite of the definition, I never considered having faith in them, but them being just part of the fabric of my life. Yes, I take their presence, their actions, their everything that has to do with me, for granted. But in the same way, my “devotion” to them is also always there. They are a constant presence in my life.

Then there is my father. Unfortunately he is no longer with us. He has actually not been with us since 1997. And if you count the length of his illness, for much longer. He was an intellectual who believed in the intrinsic goodness of people. All people are good until they are not. You can say he had faith in people, in humanity. As I mentioned in a previous post, I miss my father. There is not one day that goes by that I do not think of him. There are a lot of things I miss about him, especially his outlook on people, which I do not share. He is ever present in my thoughts; and his position on faith always brings confrontation within me. My father was not just a great man, he was a powerful presence with the ability to influence people. The conflict comes from the fact that I do not see the goodness in people; nor do I see the evil in them. I just see people. They are just there. They exist. I come in contact with them and most of them leave nothing or very little in me. A handful have left a profound impacts in me - good and bad. But it is not a matter of faith. People are people; they come they go. There is nothing to believe or not to believe.

I took a cue from my father’s book. Even though he had some form of faith, he also believed that you became enlightened through the intellectual pursuit. To him, the continuos questioning and counter-questioning was key to finding truth, if there is such a thing. I inherited his ability to quickly go through scenario after scenario and what-ifs; the ability to imagine and visualize problems, solutions, outcomes, paths and all of the forks in the road from start to finish. When I consider the question of faith, my mind goes into high gear. I start to consider all the “options” and “outcomes” that come with faith.

Faith is not all about religion, but normally it is discussed in the context of religion and dogma; along with these we need to discuss practices and rituals. What I basically call “purposeful meaningless actions”.

I define meaningless action as doing something in a repetitive way until you get with the swing of things and it becomes second nature or part of your set of beliefs. The funny thing is that I perform a purposeful meaningless action every day. I wake up every day and put on Tefilin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tefilin), and read a few passages from the Siddur (prayer book - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siddur). For all practical purposes we can define this activity as “purposeful meaningless action”, but then you will need to call meditation also “purposeful meaningless action”. Somedays, it is really hard to go through the ritual of meditation, especially in this form.

I struggle with understanding these actions every day. Not the dogmatic meaning but the effect it has on people. What is the purpose of this all? just taking a part of the day for yourself? And if you believe in God, then to commune with God? In the end this is just another form of meditation and meditation works for me. Even when it is a challenge to concentrate; especially when it is a challenge.

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I remember the last conversation I had with my father before he totally lost his ability to communicate. He said:

“If I were to do it again, I would be a religious Jew. When science in intellectuals get “there”, wherever “there” is, religion and faith are “there” already waiting.”

I guess my father found faith through intellectuality after all. But I will have to take my path and time to realize where “there” is for me. And regarding faith, I remain faithless. It does not mean that I profess no religion, but my belief is not blind and complete. My doubts lead me to questions and in some cases answers.

Whomever said “ignorance is bliss” should be given a medal.

Last week I was on vacation … yeah!! For the last 10 years, or more, I have always been connected throughout the time I was on vacations. I always felt that I needed to make myself available to my employees or the companies I worked for. Through most of the jobs I have had, I have extended myself to also cover outside of my particular job responsibility when these areas lacked leadership; and moved back when the leadership role was covered. Being connected was a must. Also, part of being connected was not being able to relinquish control, not even for a few days. My own demons of responsibility totally controlled me.

This last week was different. Not from my own doing, but by a defect. The place I went on vacation has internet access. And it was not working in a way that was convenient for me to have access. Unfortunately or fortunately I remained disconnected and unavailable. It was awesome. Who says old dogs can’t learn new tricks? I have to admit that I am somewhat renewed and being disconnected helped bring some perspective and clarity. It does not matter perspective and clarity about what, what it matters is that new ideas are flooding my mind and that is good. Now, I need to find a way to channel them.

My family and I take our family vacation on the first week of July. We normally go to Bahia De Los Angeles in Baja California Mexico. We first went there October 1998. Jared, my son, was only 6 months old. It was so hot that the sun felt as though an elephant was continuously stepping on your head. Elizabeth was so miserable that she swore never to go back. I loved it. The place is paradise. I continued going from time to time to go kayak touring from island to island. I could not have enough of the place. I kept on looking forward to my next kayaking trip.When we were planning our 2002 vacation - that year we actually went in April - Elizabeth suggested Bahia De Los Angeles. Of course I was surprised:

- But honey, you swore never to go back.

- I know, but you love it so.

And off we went. We had a fantastic time. I even caught a 25Lbs yellowtail on a fly rod and was famous locally for a whole week and a half Since then we go every July. In 2006 we tried Mulege, further south. Even though it is a nice place, it was not our cup of tea. This year there was no decision, back to Bahia De Los Angeles.

In 2004 we bought a boat. Having a boat changes a lot of things and having one in Bahia De Los Angeles, changes the place even more. We had access to more places and things to do. Elizabeth and I love fishing and sashimi. A boat gave us access to all the fishing spots. We could also get to a nice clamming spot. Our first boat was a 17’ flat bottom center console. It was barely big enough for 2 adults, 2 kids and 2 dogs. In 2006 we got a new boat - well, new to us. A 21’ deep V center console. A fishing machine. We named it “Kosher Sushi”.

This summer we met Joe Allen and family. They are fantastic. They have three wonderful kids around Jared’s and Sidney’s age that get along well with our kids. We were all staying at the same place. The morning we met I was supposed to go fishing with a guide on my boat. The guide never showed so I went fishing on my own and hit the spots I already knew. I caught enough yellowtail and bonita to feed the whole camp. Normally I only keep what we will eat that day. On one hand I do not see the need to kill more than I need for the day, on the other, it gives me a reason to go out fishing the next day. So, here I am, cutting some fresh sashimi and saying, “Sashimi anyone?”

Of course people came to share … hey, free fresh sashimi. You do not get that everywhere and believe me, it does not get any better than that. Over the years we have learnt that we will meet people and we will share. At first it was just the fish. Now we come prepared with sake, seaweed, and other foods. I am in bliss. I just love feeding people what I catch. Everybody shares and everybody has a good time. Needless to say, the drink flows freely as well. Joe and some members of his family (extended family) went fishing with me and we did not do so well. We could not find the yellowtails. But we had fun. We stayed in touch over the months. Joe and family spend Thanksgiving in Bahia De Los Angeles. Elizabeth convinced me to do the same and coordinated with the Allens to meet again. We had a blast… again!!

Fishing for yellowtails in November is tough. The water is a little too cold in the bay and the fish move to warmer water either north or south on the open Sea of Cortez. It did not stop us, however, from getting enough bonita to feed the entire camp. Most people say bonita is not such a good tasting fish. But as sashimi, there is no better. One day, I did get into some yellowtails and was able to catch a nice 30 to 35Lbs one. Of course we had some of it for lunch. Fresh Hamachi …. It definitely does not get better than this.

Bahia De Los Angeles is paradise. We are lucky that we found such a place, were we meet people, were we eat so well, were we all have such a great time. And this last trip, were I was able to finally disconnect for an entire week and clear my head.

A few months ago I started to blog. This is my second go at it and it is going far better. The first time around the focus was on personal thoughts and, in a way, documenting some of the things that were going on in my life, good and bad. I have to admit that my first attempt lacked form. It had plenty of substance, but that substance was expressed in the words of an angry person, because I was angry. And to make it more fun, I was also going through some fundamental changes in my personal life and belief system. The fundamental changes are still VERY ongoing, but the results can be seen already: I am not as angry as I used to be. That is good. Maybe I am just getting old. Regardless, A LOT LESS ANGRY IS VERY GOOD.

There are a few things that I learned from the first experience blogging and I keep on learning as part of the current incantation of my blogging experience. The first one is: Don’t be so serious. The second one is: Remember … somebody, anybody, everybody will read your blog.

Blogging exposes your ideas, thus yourself. Anything you write becomes permanent and lasting. Even if you turn your blog off, your content is possibly cached somewhere. I advocate that you are honest and open with your ideas, in other words, say what you think and mean it. But there are effective ways to do that, even in the case of the worse and most evil content.

I recently had a conversation about leadership. The agreement was that a leader is a doer and an action taker that deeply influences others, especially in the case such person needs to do something that might go against his or her innermost beliefs. Leaders are not necessarily selfless, but do have a vision that transcends his/her immediate scope of influence.

We normally consider leaders in the context of good. Some may look at Churchill or JFK, or Mother Teresa. My favorite leader is Genghis Kahn, a little beastly, but seemed to understand his limitations, and through well crafted plans, overcame them and in  doing so, China under his domain, experienced great advances in many areas. But there are other more infamous leaders: Stalin, Hitler, Fidel Castro, Che Guevara and many more. You might hate their guts, but whether you like it or not, they were powerful leaders and people would lay down and die for them

If you are going to blog, be a leader. Your ideas do not need to be novel or altruistic, but convey them in a powerful way; your words represent you and have the power to influence. Even when all you are writing may be just gossip.

Since I started to write again, I have been contacted by people from all over. Some to just exchange ideas, some to discuss a blog post - specially when the post deals with something interesting and I manage to write something that measures up - some to just network. A few months ago a got a call at around 7PM. It was the CIO of a company that had just gone public and was looking for management talent to expand their operations. He had found my resume on a job site. I decided to go to the interview just for grins. Why not!! The interview went well and I sort of got a job offer that was somewhat interesting. Since I was not exactly looking for a job I decided to experiment and told the CIO, who had not read my blog, to go read my blog and then he could decide if I was the right guy for the job. A few days later I called him and he quickly informed me that he was rescinding the somewhat interesting offer and had gone with somebody else. I was not surprised.

But the experience left me puzzled. So, what if you have a blog and you are looking for a job? I discussed it with a friend of mine over dinner and wine - the best way to discussed deep technical and philosophical questions such as this one. The conclusion was that even though a blog - such as mine - is indeed a personal marketing tool in addition to a vehicle for expression, it is also an effective filter. If prospective employers read your blog and still pursue you as a candidate, then even if they do not agree with you, they respect your opinions and are not frightened by thinking people. And that is a great way to start a new job. My wife agrees.

I am an entrepreneur and I am not ashamed to a admit it - Hello, my name is Fabian; I am an entrepreneur!!

And as an entrepreneur I have put together business plans for my ideas and gone after funding. I also have to admit that I have not been very successful in the fund raising department. But most of my ideas have eventually been validated and proven to be successes. Somebody else, later rather then sooner, also had some of the same ideas and implement them, eventually making loads of money. Some of my old ideas still have validity today.

So, how does having a blog affect you in this case? I do not know, but I will tell you when I confront the situation
I imagine that is similar to the job situation. The blog, if you exhibit leadership, can only help you.

I hardly ever run out of ideas to discuss. Let me restate that: I hardly shy away from a discussion on any topic, including “The Importance Of Tomato In The Discovery Of America”. Undoubtedly, there come some times that I have nothing to write about. I have a folder full of started posts; some of them include just the title. Having them started does not mean that I have something to write about. Maybe I had something to write about when I thought of the idea and documented it. Maybe it was just a cool idea that I will write about in the future. There is no point in either pacing or forcing yourself to write. You write when the words come to you.

But writing is not the problem, even when I stare into the abyss that my laptop screen sometime represents. The problem is when you have found an interesting topic to write about and you have done an equally interesting job with your writing. And then … you are under pressure to follow it up with an equally interesting new piece!! Oh my!! That is the problem. How do you meet your readers’ expectations? Most importantly, and with all due respect to my  very few readers, forget you, what about my own expectations?

There is one post I wrote a while back that I have not posted yet. It is “About Marketing And Technology”. My intention was to write an understanding post by listing the views from both side of the fence. Marketing and Technology are integral parts of any company and together with Operations and Finance, make the company. But more often than not, these two areas do not see eye to eye and problems arise. The intention of the post, again, was to show the problem from the eyes of the other group. The topic is of great interest to me, but the writing was not very powerful. I was not able to convey the information I have on the topic the way I intended it. Besides the fact that I spent a great deal of time and did not post my work, there is an emotional factor that goes hand in hand with the quality of the writing. In my case, I have to be at least content with the post before I will showcase it.

A while back a coworker of mine told me “if you live in a glass house, do not throw stones”. Unless you can deal constructively with comments, however people decide to behave, you should not allow comments on your blogs. Hey, worse comes to worse, you can always delete the comment I love it when I get comments. But I do not get enough of them; for some reason people do not  leave comments.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Isn’t that the truth.

Public school curriculum is a joke - no child left behind, easy to say when you are not moving forward at all. The other day I went to my kids’ back to school event. I have to say that what I heard was a joke and I was not laughing.

Before I continue, I have to say the following, otherwise I would be totally not fair: Dr. Newman, the principal at my kids’ school, is a great guy and capable professional. He really tries hard and goes beyond the call of duty for the kids. What differentiates him from the rest is his availability to parents and willingness to listen. I have had the chance to talk to him a few times. Not too many, but enough. He cares for the kids. He wants them to succeed. He wants to push them and propel them forward. He really wants them to learn and excel. My kids have special needs, especially my son Jared. They need more than most kids from an academic point of view and that is recognized and to the best of Dr. Newman’s wiggle room, caters to them. In addition to Dr. Newman, his staff also goes the extra mile. Or at least that has been our experience with the classroom and resource teachers assigned to our kids. So, this is a big “THANK YOU” to them as well. Both, my wife and I recognize what you do.

But back to “Back To School” night ….

One of the topics in the curriculum is “birth stones” where the kids will learn all about their birth stones. WHAT?? Is that geology? Sounds more like astrology to me. Next, we will be teaching them that the earth is flat and only approximately 6000 years old? I just find it appalling. If the purpose of studying birth stones is to make it fun, then I am all for it, but based on what I heard … there was no substance to the whole thing. The rest of the curriculum did not sound much better. In my opinion, and I am not an educator but just a parent, the kids are being robbed of their education. We pay our taxes but our kids are not getting our taxes worth in education. It is infuriating.

As a side note regarding certain topics: Should kids be taught about Creationism? Yes. I think they should, along side evolution. They should be taught comparative thinking and given choices. Creationism, and to be VERY CLEAR I do not believe in it, is what many people believe as truth. And in spite to all the evidences to the contrary - evidences in favor of science including evolution - it is a possibility that can not be discarded in teaching children how to balance facts and decide what works for them and what does not. Children are smarter than we are, and believe me, they will not get confused if the information is presented in a non-emotional manner.

We were thinking about putting our kids in private school. We looked around where we live and besides the snooty kids and the price tag, the education is not much better than public school. In that case, I rather keep my kids in the public school they go to now, where not only they will get better socialization skills, but I know that the teachers really do their best. And in spite of our disappointment, I rather have my kids with teachers that care for them even when their efforts may come short.

Let’s talk about the teachers. Unfortunately they get the short end of the deal. My wife taught for a while at South Central Los Angeles. As a first time teachers, fresh out of school, with no experience, no road under her feet, no real tools at her disposal, she was sent to teach at the war zone. Can you believe that she had to pay for her classroom supplies? For her own photocopies of materials to distribute to her kids? Well, the Bank of Fabian paid for them. Unbelievable. I can understand that as you progress in your career and you get seniority you should get rewarded with easier assignments than South Central, but to send first time teachers and to boot make them pay for their own supplies just makes no sense.

How would I manage the situation? Simple … first, of course, give them the supplies they need; not in excess but in a way where they become responsible for those supplies. Second, I would place the first time teachers not in the cozy neighborhoods, but in middle class, not too problematic areas where they can be exposed to a wide range of behaviors but not too out of the ordinary. Once they have been there for 3 or 4 years, then send them to places like Watts or South Central Los Angeles. They would be better prepared to deal with the sad realities of those areas. After a few years, then send them to the upper class areas where they can now bring their WAR YEARS experience and make good use of their knowledge.

As predicted, she did not last long, just as some of her colleagues did not last either. She became physically sick and emotionally drained. She had students that only ate what the school would feed them. Or had a close family member - dad, mom, brother, etc. - either dead or in jail for a felony offense. Some of them, their parents worked 4 jobs and lived with 6 other families all in the same apartment or the garage they were renting with no toilet. Again, as predicted, she only lasted two years. Teachers MUST be prepared to deal with those realities. And it is the job and responsibility of the government to prepare them.

We often look at counties in Africa or the Middle East - Iraq and Afghanistan. We see what those war ravaged places have done to their children and we weep. We decide to contribute to charity for those countries, for those children. We feel guilty that our kids have it so good, in spite of our being upset at the school curriculum, and we give money. But why look so far? Go no further than South Central or Watts. Go no further. Here in the United States we have WAR RAVAGED LANDS, with children that are just as shell shocked as the kids in Iraq and Afghanistan. Kids that experience drive by shootings every night. I helped fund a PowerPoint class through an online charity organization. Do I feel better for doing that? Yes; absolutely. Do I think I am a hero? Not one little bit. I am far from it because it was a very small contribution and a one time thing (even though I have contributed several one times I still do not feel I have done enough.)

There is a movie called Idiocracy, with Luke Wilson, that I watched a few weeks ago on TV. It is about two strangers participating on a cryogenic experiment that is supposed to last for one year, but lasts for several thousand. When they finally wake up, a few thousand years later, they find out that earth population has become dumb and can barely deal with basic technological obstacles, like cultivation. The movie is funny and in jest, but given what I have seen from our education, and not just in the US, it has become a sort of prediction.

My wife says my Blog is my pensieve; a place to collect my thoughts for storage so they do not occupy room in my mind. I do not agree. My Blog is a place to express myself. Because I write them down and “publish” them, it does not mean that I do not keep on thinking about them. Ideas and thoughts evolve as we gain new experiences. They remain ever present in my mind and when people provide feedback in the form of comments, thoughts may become more robust.

A lot of my thoughts and ideas evolve over time. Some of them get further refined. Other ideas get better support with new knowledge. Other still, are changed or completely discarded. What I think today is very different from what I thought 20 years ago. And in 20 more, my ideas will be somewhat or quite different. Thought can become obsolete.

My Blog is a place for exploration. Many of the subjects I write were not thoughts until I put the words down. I start with a title. Any title. Sometimes these titles come to me as I am writing. I take a little break, create a blank document, I write the title centered and in bold letters and save the file with the title as the filename. At some point I go back and complete the thought. Many other subjects are based on ideas I have had for a long time and writing them down is just a way to formalize them. “Why OpenSource?” is one such subject. Since 1994 I have been selecting OpenSource as my weapon of choice, so writing about it was just a formalization of what I have done for years.

My Blog is a place for sharing. Have a child, plant a tree and write a book. I have tried to write a book. I have children and have planted trees. But writing a book has proven difficult. So the blog will have to do as a stand in. I have always been very giving with my ideas. Not necessarily always a good thing, but since I believe in transparency, sharing my ideas is part of it. In many cases my own transparency has been used against me. It is just the price to pay for upholding certain ideals. Ideas that are not shared are ideas destined to die. I am not saying share your secrets. Secrets are thoughts that must not be shared.

My Blog is a place for self-promotion. In exposing my ideas I am saying: ”Look how good I am, how intelligent and sophisticated a thinker”. And on every post on every topic I am also saying: “Check out my grasp on the subject, look what I can do for you, look at what I bring to the table”. Why hide it, I am not a modest man. But the bravado of my youth has given way to the wisdom of age. I do not have to shout very loud anymore about these things, I show them with action. These writings are just but a small taste.

In the end, my Blog is for me. And yes, my wife is after all, right. This is indeed a repository of my ideas and expressions. It is a repository for my thoughts. It is definitely my pensieve and I can come back to it anytime I want and re-evaluate my ideas and thoughts.

You see … ideas evolve even in this short a time.

Since I started this current incantation of my Blog my wife has been, on and off, helping me with edits. English being my second language, my grammar can be weak at time … OK … most of the time. Elizabeth reads my posts and corrects them before I post them … but not the last few. She has not wanted to do it.I asked her and her answer: ”Dude … it is boring to me”

She liked the posts that have a personal human interests, like my moving to the US or about my kids or her … of course, she loves it when I write about her. I agree that some of my business and technology posts can be boring for somebody that does not carry an interest in the subjects. As I went through the list of topics I have been collecting she suggested that I wrote about change but from an emotional point of view, not corporate.

So here it goes. This post is for her….

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Life is change and to live is to be exposed to constant change. So you might as well embrace it and enjoy it ….. if it was that easy!!

Throughout our lives we go through so much. We start when we are born. We exchange the comfort of our mother’s womb for the coldness of the world. And we cry. And if we did not cry, we are made to cry. It is the indication that we are alive. What does that say about us?

And the emotional rollercoaster starts.

We grow up and grow old in a world that seems to constantly conspire against us. From the beginning gravity is there … really to help us … but I remember how my kids struggled when they were infants in trying to move and lift their beautiful heads. Gravity was there to help them develop their muscles. I could see in their faces the struggle. Their bodies developed and changed and with that, new experiences awaited.

Crawling, walking, running. Bumping, falling, bumping again, crying. The feelings of not being able to accomplish a task to the level of perfection we want. Slowly developing dexterity but wishing it developed faster, because we cannot, quite so, play with that toy. And the world feels like it is small. And the world feels like a giant.

And we start to interact with other kids. This kid to my right is prettier, the one to the left uglier, in front of me too intelligent or not intelligent enough. We stretch our wings and we bump, we fall, we bump again. We compare and measure against our peers. Feelings rush to us. Feelings which we do not understand. Good feelings all of them. There is nothing negative; these feeling are eliciting us to adapt; to cope, to grow up one emotion at a time. But because we do not understand them we turn them into what they may not be. And more changes.

There is no stopping these changes. We cannot even slow them down. When we experience a good time we want to reproduce it. But since the circumstance are different every time, it cannot be reproduced. We are bummed or disappointed because it just is not again as we experienced it before.

Our bodies keep on developing. Our brains keep on absorbing and new experiences keep on morphing us. More emotional stuff comes with all of these. The baggage is from our parents, from us, from our friends, even from our grandparents. We already experienced rejection, but now it is more dramatic. That girl did not want to go out with me, or that boy said I was such and such. We are marked by these experiences. They prepare us for the future. Of course at the time we do not see it like that.

And life continues.

We go to school, learn all sorts of new things. We go to university and we unlearn every thing we learned before. More changes.

We find our other half, or so we think. We commit to life, or so we think. We now need to adapt to not just being one, but two, despite the promise of independence. Our emotions run us. Our responsibilities drive us. And all along not only do we change, but the world around us changes as well. We grow old; gray hair, wrinkles, reading glasses, kids!! Kids are the biggest change. Of all of the life changing events on our lives, kids just make us rewrite our books. Our plays change. We are super happy and that is when we realize … “now I am responsible for 3 … 4 … 5 …” and the focus changes.

And all along we make a futile attempt to stop all these. Actually, no .. we do not even try … but we want to … no wait, we do not want to. What the heck … how did I get here?!!

Life is changes, whether we like it or not. It is so hard to embrace that fact. Even when most of the changes are good.

And one day, when all is said and done, we are dead.

And the emotional rollercoaster stops.